Some changes

First of all, I've changed my blog title! It's too reflect what I want to do with this blog. I want and need to start writing on a more regular basis and I figure the only way to do that is by focusing on what I know. Hence the new title: Caffeine, Nicotine and the Guillotine.

I chose Caffeine for the main fact that I work in coffee. Anyone who knows me has learned that coffee has moved from merely a hobby to a job and possibly future career choice for me. I want to expound on it, explore it and truly get to know it. I don't by any means consider myself an expert in the field, seeing as I set the bar outrageously high for myself. But I can make a mean latte and have the basics down. In the future, I hope to really immerse myself in the world of specialty coffee and hopefully find another passion in life.

Nicotine represents my biggest vice and another thing I want to focus on in this blog, working on myself. Anyone who knows me knows that I smoke. That's right, I'm an evil, evil smoker. I'm not going to lie and say I hate it about myself. It's not something I see myself giving up or changing any time soon. But I recognize that it's not in my best interest and will more than likely end up leaving me high and dry in the end. It's a problem for me, with me and I want to be able to talk about such things here and hopefully find ways to remedy such situations.

Lastly, the Guillotine. Now, to be frank, the choice of words might be a stretch for some. But it rhymes with Caffeine and Nicotine and is a rather good definition for the last major topic. Theatre. I won't go into how the word choice sums up my views on theatre, think about it, you're smart. See if you can make some connections I can't. And maybe someday in the future I can explain it to you.

So, please stay tuned while I work out the finer points of this blog, I shall be deleted/editing some of my previous blog posts and soon I hope to have a wider following than just my friends and family. It's late. I work in the morning and I'm tired. See you next time!

Sometimes I think that if I sit at my computer typing things, it makes me look like a very important person. Like someone who is connected to people all over the world, or running an ecommerce business, or that I'm a writer with some really important to say. I think in my heart of hearts I want to do something along those lines, or at least have some aspect of my life needing to be documented by type.

So instead of paying attention to my cousin and being a diligent caregiver, I'm sitting here on my laptop writing this blog in order to seem important or that I have something really cool to do. It's silly, I know. But perhaps if I do more of these little blogs, I'll develop into the important computer typer I want to be.

Once again, I've wasted letters writing useless nonsense for people to read. Or just for my own personal gratification. Maybe next time I'll have something insightful to say. Til then.

Agonizing over nothing

Some days, I don't even know why I try. I attempt to get a to-do list done and none of it gets done due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control that all seem to frustrate me beyond belief. And what few things I manage to get accomplished on these days goes horribly wrong and nothing like the smooth sailing I was hoping for. I find days like these so abysmal that I end up getting angry and hurt over the littlest of things, or even, nothing at all!

When I finally reach a breaking point, throwing in the towel on doing anything productive, even my ways of decompressing seem to fail. Food isn't appetizing, company is found lacking, either with or without, movies don't entertain, music isn't melodic, it all seems pointless. Sleep doesn't come either. At least not for a few more hours. But then I find myself completely devoid of caring about my so-called shitty day when I realize that everything I did was for and about myself. I wasn't coerced by someone to go to class, or grab a cup of coffee and read the tucson weekly, I made the choice to do it. And while I may still wake up tomorrow bummed a bit, I know that it was almost all my own engineering and I am content.

Perhaps I'm rationalizing myself out of feelings that need to be felt at times, but I'm so sick and tired of it that it's just easier to be content. I feel better being contented as well. Sleep will come easier tonight because of it. It's when I realize that I was frustrated and agonizing over petty shit that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things that I finally feel like I'm able to breathe and begin my day. The only thing I pity is that it normally takes me all day to come to this sense of contentment and now I have pretty much wasted a day.

This is a pretty sad post to be my first one in the new year, but considering the year that I've had so far, I'm pretty damned proud that I've made it this far without going off the deep end and beating something senseless. I'm going to go get another cup of coffee, or perhaps tea this time, and continue the evening in my contentment. Good night.

Wanting that which isn't good for us

There is a stigma in today's society which says 'Want this! Buy me! You need this to be happy!' and it's complete bullshit. I have this stigma moreso than I care to admit. And I've paid the price for it, emotionally and financially. 

And the lure for me is, the more expensive said item is, the more I feel I need to have it. The only problem with this is, I want more than I can happily afford. I will admit I give myself little treats every now and again, but that just feeds the beast and I go into a rather horrid downward spinning spiral of spending and spending and really not getting anything out of it other than more shit to deal with. And not being able to pay my bills.

I recognize this weakness in me. It's something I truly am working on. But not spending/buying shit comes with its own price.

I now want what others have. Not material possessions, but personality traits, characteristics, relationships, emotional states of being, and the like. I have pushed myself so far away from my normality at times that I've scared myself. I don't know who that person is, I know that I've had the potential to be that person, but I know that she's not someone who I want to be. We all have little demons inside us, I'm just having a really hard time keeping them at bay right now.

I see something that looks appealing and stop at nothing to get my way. That is wrong. I know that person x or item y is probably a bad decision on my part, but I can't help but covet. It's my biggest sin at the moment I guess. 

So I'm working on being a better person. There are other things about me that I have need to work on, but this is the biggest, glaringly vile thing about me at the moment and I don't quite know how to cope. Yet tomorrow is another day and my mantra is 'day by day, let it be'.

A Mad Conspiracy

It is of my humble opinion that there is a conspiracy going on in the world today. Something that has been happening for far too long, probably even longer than that. The powers that be in this world, be it money or some supernatural force or the media, have this underlying agenda of making sure that every woman in the world is charged an arm and a leg for simply being a woman. Have you seen the price of bra's these days? What about make-up? Pads? Tampons? It's getting rediculous. Something must be done about it. 

The pressures of womanhood are enough without draining my bank account. We're expected to look a certain way, presentable, but when presentable means shelling out over a hundred dollars a month on hair and make-up and everything else in between, that's too much! And by the way, a hundred dollars is if you shop the bargain bin and don't ever cut your hair. 

Ok, yes, I want to look good. I don't want my eye-bags to be on display everywhere, but come on! $14 for mascara? $42 for a basic bra? I find it very hard to believe that a bra costs more than $3 to make. Not to mention, a man can go to a store and drop 10 bucks on three or five shirts, where as a woman would end up spending about $100 for three to five shirts. I just don't get th elogic.

It's almost as if people were trying to make every girl in the world high maintenence. And I can tell you, we really don't need any more of them running around.

Been a while

It's been awhile since my last post, so obviously my 'post-a-day' plan failed miserably. But I'm getting the urge to blog again, or just writing in general...It maybe my new wireless keyboard, or maybe I'm just feeling disconnected from my internet too much. Like being a silent observer and not at all involved in the whole process or creation...

It's a weird feeling, let me tell you, when you spend as much time on the internet as I do, to realize that everyone else is utilizing it to a much greater potential than I am. I want to put my stake in the world wide web. I'm just not sure where my voice is yet.

The Work Day, Issue 3

So I'm trying anew approach to the work day blog. I'll just blog what happens as it does! This morning at the Coffee Shop was really busy. It's been so nice to see things pick up around here. I was doing something from the moment I walked in until about 10AM. Which is really good for this store. I'm exhauseted though, last night I stayed up a bit too late, didn't get that much homework done and will pay for it today. I absolutely have to get yesterday's homework done today so that I can spend Saturday and Sunday either reviewing that which I have problems with or getting ahead a bit. It would help so much if I can manage to get slightly ahead. 

I'm really torn about my work situation right now. I hate it but I love it. The idea of waking at 6 am sucks, but once I get here, I'm fine. I really feel that having to be somewhere at a certain time is what makes me dread working. If I could work on my own schedule it would much better, yet knowing every friday that I have to be here is draining. 

The afternoon was pretty good, long, but uneventful. I'll be getting a couple more hours a week by taking my cousin to a movie every Tuesday. Hopefully my paycheck will be nice and juicier now. Maybe I'll be able to save a bit of money or just cover my bills without have to ask my parents for help. I hate that feeling. You'd think that I'd be able to stand on my own two feet by now. But my education has always come first and that has left little to now time for a job, even part time. Now, when I work part time and do school part time, I can't even keep my head afloat.

Let's see how well this goes. With school work getting the best of me, hopefully tuesday afternoon movies will be a good stress reliever.