Agonizing over nothing

Some days, I don't even know why I try. I attempt to get a to-do list done and none of it gets done due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control that all seem to frustrate me beyond belief. And what few things I manage to get accomplished on these days goes horribly wrong and nothing like the smooth sailing I was hoping for. I find days like these so abysmal that I end up getting angry and hurt over the littlest of things, or even, nothing at all!

When I finally reach a breaking point, throwing in the towel on doing anything productive, even my ways of decompressing seem to fail. Food isn't appetizing, company is found lacking, either with or without, movies don't entertain, music isn't melodic, it all seems pointless. Sleep doesn't come either. At least not for a few more hours. But then I find myself completely devoid of caring about my so-called shitty day when I realize that everything I did was for and about myself. I wasn't coerced by someone to go to class, or grab a cup of coffee and read the tucson weekly, I made the choice to do it. And while I may still wake up tomorrow bummed a bit, I know that it was almost all my own engineering and I am content.

Perhaps I'm rationalizing myself out of feelings that need to be felt at times, but I'm so sick and tired of it that it's just easier to be content. I feel better being contented as well. Sleep will come easier tonight because of it. It's when I realize that I was frustrated and agonizing over petty shit that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things that I finally feel like I'm able to breathe and begin my day. The only thing I pity is that it normally takes me all day to come to this sense of contentment and now I have pretty much wasted a day.

This is a pretty sad post to be my first one in the new year, but considering the year that I've had so far, I'm pretty damned proud that I've made it this far without going off the deep end and beating something senseless. I'm going to go get another cup of coffee, or perhaps tea this time, and continue the evening in my contentment. Good night.